How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty (And Other Ways to Survive the Holidays)

My hair was falling out.

My new marriage was suffering.

I was having panic attacks for the first time in my life.

It was 2020. I was a Mortgage Loan Originator.

My personality changed from fun and relaxed to walking-on-eggshells edgy, workaholic.

It was commission only, on call, client-pleasing career.

I allowed clients, bosses, colleagues to call anytime and I would answer.

I was new to the career. Making mistakes constantly. Underwriters telling me my work was a mess when I triple-checked it before I handed it in.

I said yes to everything because I was terrified of failing even more.

It was December 2021. I was considering renewing my mortgage license. My bestie looked at me while we were waiting in line to be seated for brunch and said:

"Oh, you're not done bending over yet?"

My eyes got wide.

"Yes. I am done bending over. I will quit right now."

I called my boss that day. All weekend. He wouldn't answer.

So I had to wait until our previously scheduled Monday Zoom call where I was supposed to pitch next year's goals and action steps to my two bosses.

I got on the call and said: "I love you. It's time for me to leave."

They were shocked. They understood—it is a high stress, high turnover career. I felt relieved. But wounded.

My friend offered me a job doing everything I love. She let me take my time to heal. After two and a half years, I was healed, confident, and ready to reopen my healing and teaching practice.

I learned how to say no. Now I want to help you learn it too—before stress takes over your health.

The Holidays Are Here

Deal with clients forgetting or cancelling their appointments.

You get voluntold to host the holiday parties.

Say yes to clients asking for appointments outside your normal hours.

You're about to say yes to things you don't want to do.

What if you said NO to the things you really didn't want to do?

What if you said YES to all the things that lift your spirits and make you and everyone around you happy?

The Real Reason I Couldn't Say No

That used to be me: sheepishly saying no, then immediately asking, "are you mad at me?"

Conflict makes me very uncomfortable.

When I said yes to everything, the only conflict was within myself. That wasn't comfortable either.

Now I say NO to anything that makes my body slump or my mouth frown. I say YES to things that make me smile, my eyes brighten, and my whole body lean forward.

My body feels before my brain communicates.

My friend recently invited me to an event with her family. She knows both our parents have passed. The offer was meant as kindness—wanting to share her loving family.

My body slumped. Then I caught my breath and felt terror and dread and my head shaking no.

I might have family holiday PTSD.

So I said "no, thank you for thinking of us."

The First Time I Said No (And It Changed Everything)

I was in my late 20s, hanging out at the marina with a friend.

We got talking to a couple of men who were there as friends together.

I got along really well with one of the guys. We were laughing, having great conversation. He was even good looking.

He asked if he could kiss me.

It just didn't feel right.

So I said, "No, thank you for asking."

We both continued our conversation like it was no big deal.

I felt listened to. Honored when he said "okay" and then went on like nothing happened.

I felt my spine grow taller. My confidence level rising.

That feeling—of being honored when I said no—it was so powerful I kept wanting to say no more and more.

How I Actually Say No Now

"No, and thank you for thinking of me."

If they push and ask why: "I am already booked."

Here's my secret: I book myself first for the holidays. When someone asks me to do something, I look at my calendar where I've already blocked time for myself. Then I can honestly say "I'm already booked."

Use creative code words if people might look over your shoulder. I used to do that. Now I just write "Day Off."

That shift happened when I reopened my healing and teaching practice. I started honoring that MY time and MY health are my most valuable commodity.

When You Can't Say No - Plan Ahead & Protect Yourself

Sometimes you have to go.

Family dinner. Office party. That thing you committed to six months ago when you still had energy.

You can't get out of it. But you CAN protect yourself while you're there.

Remember: you have a bubble of protection around you. Use it.

and/or

Pretend you're doing research on human behavior.

Observe instead of engaging. Stay detached. Be silent instead of defending yourself.

and

If someone is draining your energy, you're allowed to leave the conversation.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

Get up. Walk away.

Your Body is Your Business and YOU are the CEO.

Want to feel better in your body?

Selfish Saturday on November 22nd is for you.

Half-day workshop where you'll learn body mechanics that prevent pain, self-care techniques you can do anywhere, and movement that makes your body feel alive again.

Plus a 1-hour sound journey.

Learn more: goddessapproach.com/save-your-hands-101594

Want personalized attention? Book an appointment at the Goddess Healing Room 616-566-1437.

You Deserve It!